Breakdown.

Major breakdown today.  I feel like 4 months of feelings hit me all at once.

All of a sudden I couldn’t get past the feeling that nothing is the same.  I am no longer the person that I was before having babies.  I can’t do all the things I could do before. I’ve lost certain freedoms.  I’ve lost the ability to go anywhere without packing up half my belongings into a diaper bag then stuffing it into the stroller carry-basket (because WHAT IF my 20 minute trip to the store requires the use of 15 diapers, you never know!). If a store or cafe has stairs or steps leading up to the entrance – forget it, I just keep on strollering by.  Lunch with a friend now has to be planned based on what restaurants can fit the double stroller, and again doesn’t have stairs.

I can’t go running whenever I please.  And when I do get myself out the door (after making sure, obsessively, that Chris has all the right supplies/bottles/toys/clothes/diapers necessary to survive 45 minutes even though he is completely capable of handling it on his own) I often feel out of shape, tired, and flabby.

All of this (and more – I just can’t type quite fast enough) came bubbling up yesterday.  I felt overwhelmed and tired and sad all at the same time.  And then came the guilt.

As soon as I expressed my feelings to Chris, through heavy sobs, I instantly felt guilty.  How could I feel so sad when I have two (TWO!!) beautiful babies?! How could I feel deprived when these tiny little beings are healthy and happy?! Am I seriously getting upset over missing my beloved 9:30am yoga class because of the fact that I have been blessed with kids? What is wrong with me.

The only explanation I can come up with is for what’s wrong with me is: new mom.

I’m a new mom.  I’m a new twin mom. I am still a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend – but now I’m a mom too.  And it’s changed everything.  After 31 years of being all these other things, I now have to be a mom — and I don’t know how to do it.  I’m figuring things out, and most days I feel like I’m doing okay so that’s great! But I have to learn how to do almost EVERYTHING differently.  Literally, everything.  Even ordering a cup of coffee — I have to decide what to get that fits in the stroller cup holder, without spilling. Plus I have to do it quickly so that the babies don’t start crying or I run out of the 15 diapers that I packed (only 15?!).  AND I need to do all this while not running anyone over with the double stroller.

I have to learn how to go running even when I don’t feel like it because there is no “later” in my world anymore.  I have to make an effort to get to Mommy & Me Yoga because that’s the only chance I’ll get to roll out my mat.  I need to appreciate power walking with a stroller as a workout now.

I am writing this all down so I can read it again and again and again.  I’m a new mom, and I’m doing the best I can.  I’m re-learning so many things.  I’m bound to stumble along the way.  But I’m doing it. That’s all that matters.

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